Show Time!

  I am cast in a show for Elkhart Civic Theatre. It is an Agatha Christie play entitled, "And Then There Were None". I have a small part. I think I have eleven lines. But I don't care that it is small. I love being in shows and working with the rest of the cast to present as entertaining and as professional a play as we can.  I love becoming a different person and developing the character to have a different personality than my own.

The picture is from another murder mystery I did. I was "Aunt Lilly" in "Postmortem". Rats, I can't find my script to tell you who it is written by, and I don't want to look for it right now.  But, anyway, Aunt Lilly was one of my favorite characters that I have been so far.

Soon, I will be learning my lines and developing my character. I will learn my entrances and where I am to stand when I deliver my lines on the stage. (We call that "blocking" in theater.) I will find my costumes and learn what props I am to carry while I am on stage. I already know that  one of my lines is the opening line of the whole play. I'm excited about that!

If you want to learn more about community theater, I would recommend that you visit Theatregeeks.com on the internet. The director of the play that I am going to be in, Dave Dufour, is one of the contributors and maybe even the creator of the web site. It is a great place to learn about what community theater is all about.

Walking, Weight Loss, and Daydreams

   The picture at the top of this blog is one of my daughter's mother-in-law, Marlene Blosser, and me on Tricia and Jeff's wedding day in 2007. It is my aim to be able to fit into that dress again sometime before June. To that end, I have been walking and eating less.

   I have been trying to walk at least an hour a day. I get in about three miles when I do that, probably averaging about 18 miles a week. I see it this way, you can lose weight with diet, but you'll never change your shape unless you exercise.  I am also doing a dance class about once a week with my darling daughter, which is more fun than anything. I am not a good dancer at all. But it gets me moving and I exercise different muscle groups than by just walking.

   It is becoming more challenging to walk. I have to bundle up a little more. It was 21 degrees Farenheit here yesterday morning. CHILLY! I intend to walk outside as long as I possibly can. I understand that walking in the cold actually burns more calories; something to do with converting the cold air you breathe.

  I have lost a total of 15 pounds, but not sure what the Thanksgiving holiday has done for that number. At any rate, the doctor told me that he only wanted me to lose 5 pounds between now and the next time I see him in three months. I told him that I intended to lose more than that, and he just said that it would be "a plus". 

   This is kind of boring so far, but I just wanted to say that I have time while I am walking to think about all kinds of things. Yes, I think about breathing deeply, and how good it is for me to be outside, and what a stress reduction it is to take the time to be out there. But I also think about the people that I love, places I would like to go, places I have been, things that I want to do.

   I think about the people that I love, and, don't think I'm crazy, but I sometimes have imaginary conversations with them.  I usually am sitting down with them, in my imagination, having tea or coffee, or sometimes I let them have a beer, if they need it. I tell them that they are going to be just fine, and that I love them. I listen to them tell me what they are really struggling with. I share my struggles with them, and we are both better for having shared. I think it is so important to build people up instead of tearing them down.

  I think about places that I have been to, and places where I would like to go. Two years ago in October we went to Calgary, Alberta Canada, job hunting for Jay. And, while we were there, we ended up in Banff. Let me tell you, I loved Banff. I would love to go there again. The city is surrounded by beautiful, tall, snow covered mountains in October. It snowed while we were there.  I can't say exactly why, but I would live there in a heartbeat, if I got the chance.  It is rugged, wild, and beautiful.

  I haven't been to a lot of places, really, in my life. But there are places I dream of going. I think I should see Hawaii some day. I think I should go to Steamboat, Colorado on a ski trip. I think I would like to do a Carribean cruise. I want to go to Alaska. I want to see some of Europe. I think about all of this while I am out on my walking trips. 

  I have a rather wild imagination, so I often dream about taking others with me on these trips. Most often, I think of taking different ones of my kids with me. Sometimes I think I would love to take some of my siblings. I guess, when I am walking, I entertain myself this way. I really love people, and I am never really alone, as long as I am carrying them in my heart.

  Sometimes, out on those walks though, I just rejoice in the beauty of the day. It is sunny, or it is rainy. It is warm, or it is cold. But, whatever it is really like, I always have my eyes open to see something. One morning, here in town, there was a deer. What is a deer doing in town? But he was here. There are little rabbits in the yards. There are fat squirrels. The leaves have fallen off the trees. I wonder if each leaf is different, like snow flakes. So many thoughts flow through my head as I am walking, and losing weight, and daydreaming.

Rosalie Beebe

I decided to go ahead and post my monologue from last weekend when we had the cemetary walk for Elkhart Historical Society and as a benefit for Elkhart Civic Theatre. I took the part of Mrs. Rosalie Beebe from the list of characters that were selected by the Historical Society of the persons who are buried at Grace Lawn Cemetary in Elkhart. This was a great way for me to learn some of Elkhart's history, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. Just for the record, there was nothing at all "creepy" about the whole thing, even though it was held in the cemetary. You can look at my pictures as the character on my Facebook page. The following is my monologue.

"Good Afternoon. I am Mrs. Rosalie Beebe, the wife of judge Samuel P. Beebe. I was born Rosalie Harris in Kingsbury, New York in December of 1778, just two years, five months and two days after the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  I married my husband, Samuel, in Troy, New York in 1814 where we lived until we moved to this area in 1831. When we came here, we boarded with Mr. George Crawford on the north side of the river, in what was then Pulaski. We built only the second house on the south side of the river on the original plat of what started to be called Elkhart the next year of 1832.
  "My husband is a peculiar man. A lot of folks don't know whether to like him or not. He loves to spark a quarrel between neighbors. And he loves a good practical joke. For instance, I remember one day he was riding down the river road and he came across Silas DeCamp hauling a huge hollow log up the river bank. "Come now, Silas" he says. "I'll bet you a quarter the hole in that log is not big enough to creep into." Silas, accepting the bet, crept into the hole. As soon as he did, down from his horse Sam jumped, and gave that log a shove. The log rolled back down the river bank with its occupant, and splashed into the river. My husband rode off in a glee, leaving poor Silas to sink or swim. Well, some good gentlemen came by presently and rescued Silas from his predicament, and then they all came looking for my husband. When they found Samuel, his story was that he had seen the log roll into the river and had rode into town to get help. Silas had won his quarter, and Samuel had another funny story to tell.
  "I hope you won't think me boastful to say that it was I who created the first wedding garments and also funeral garments worn by white settlers in the village of Elkhart. I had the first spinning wheel that appeared in Elkhart and I loved to weave. One year I spun and wove 50 yards of material. That same year I knitted 50 pairs of socks, which I found a market for in the nearby settlement of Mishawaka.  I also created the first cake of cheese on the south side of the river. Mrs. Rachel Beardsley created the first cheese on the north side.
  "It may also interest you to  know that the First Presbyterian Church of Elkhart was formed in my home in May of 1841. The church met in my home for two years. Thank you for visiting me today."

  Rosalie Beebe lived to be 99 years old. She died in April of 1888. That is pretty old for someone back in those days. Her obituary stated that she did not look 99, but more like a woman in her 60's. I think that was something I have in common with her. A lot of people tell me that I don't look my age. Anyway, I hope to do something like this again next year when the Elkhart Historical Society does this again. We may be in a different cemetary next year. We shall see.

I wonder (as I wander) With apologies to the Christmas song.

  As I was walking along the river today behind the YMCA at lunch, I saw some ducks out in the river. They would float along for a while, then duck their heads under water, their cute little ducky-butts to the sky. And I started wondering. And, since this Blog is called "Ponderings" I thought I would share the things I wonder, just some of the, one would hope, less crazy things that I wonder about.

1.  I wonder if they call the birds "ducks" because they duck their heads under the water to feed, or do we say "duck" meaning to lower your head, because of the bird?

2.  I wonder if the "Best Man" was ever just "The Most Suitable Man"? (Or is he the groom?) Why doesn't the bride marry the "Best Man"? (She thought she was marrying the best man)?

3. I wonder if all children are mystified when they fly their first kite?

4. I wonder why we call some people "hot". Are all the ones who are not "hot" then "cold". (And why do we call some people cold?)

5.  I wonder - if looks really could kill, how many of us would survive to puberty? Adulthood?

6.  You know all those "First Baptist" churches and "First Presbyterian" churches? I wonder which one was really first? Seems like there's a "First Baptist" in every town. And where are the "Second Baptists" and "Second Presbyterians"? Did they all give up when the "First" ones won?

7. I wonder, and this is a little risque maybe, I wonder what it meant to be "googled" or to "google" somebody, before it became a web site? (Can't you just hear some mother screaming and a child, "stop googling the neighbor girl, and get in here and take a cold shower!"

Guess I better get busy and "Google" some answers to these questions. Smile,you'll make people wonder why!

Lots of Things To Do This Weekend

Boy! There sure are a lot of things to consider doing this weekend! It makes you wish you could clone yourself so you could enjoy all those things! If you live in this area, I hope you will participate in at least one of these events.

   

Friday night at the historic Bristol Opera House, Elkhart Civic Theatre opens with "Beau Jest", a romantic comedy. I have seen some short video of rehearsal of this show, and it promises to be very funny. The story line is about a jewish young lady who is reluctant to admit to her parents that she is dating a non-jewish young man. She hires an actor to play the part of her boyfriend to meet her parents. Along the way, she develops romantic interest in the actor. This lends to all kinds of funny situations. If you can't see it this weekend, please call for tickets for next weekend on Monday, before they are all sold out! You can see more on Elkhart Civic Theatre's web page. The ticket line phone number is (574) 848-4116.

Friday night and Saturday, also in Bristol, the Storyteller's Festival takes place at Congdon Park. Take the kids, if you have them, and go hear live storytellers spin tales. It is a lot more fun than a night at the movies. Storytelling is not really a lost art, but we rarely get exposed to really good stories. In the days before radio and television, this was the way people entertained each other. (Well that, and live theater!) Think of Prairie Home Companion without the music. Have fun!

My favorite park in Elkhart County, Bonneyville Mill, is also having it's festival this weekend. I love it! You have vintage craft exhibitions; vendors walking around in costumes of yesteryear selling things like apple cider and popcorn, ham and beans cooked in a big kettle over an open fire, homemade root beer, (please return the bottles when you are done), homemade pies, pulled pork sandwiches...I could go on. For Jay and I, our favorite thing to do is to get up early on Saturday morning and ride our bikes over to the Sausage and Pancake breakfast. All the pancakes you can eat, a cup of coffee and a generous size sausage for one low price. We will probably drive over this year since we are going to be up late Friday night if we stay and watch "Beau Jest" after we Box Office. There is a parking fee, but it is minimal, and well worth it. There is all kinds of free entertainment in the entertainment tent during the festival Saturday and Sunday. They also have a children's activities area where they get to do things like dip candles and bob for apples. Stop by the Mill while you are there and get some cornmeal for your winter time baking. The Mill will soon be closed for the winter.

I know there are other things going on this weekend. There is another home game for Notre Dame this weekend. I will want to watch at least the last half of that. Go ND! Whatever you do, please be safe and have a great weekend!

That Feels Better

   Jay is employed as a security guard with Employer's Security Incorporated. That is good news! His hours are "swing" shift, which, most of the time is going to be ok. He just works graveyard shift two nights a week. I am kind of wondering if he will be able to stay awake in the wee hours of the mornings. We will find out tomorrow night when he does his first 10 pm to 6 am shift.
   I really feel good about this job for him. The other times recently that he has been employed, I just had the feeling that the job wouldn't last. I hoped it would, but I just had an awful feeling, almost a knowing, the job would not last. This time, I don't have that. So, if it doesn't last, boy will I be super disappointed.
   In other news, I haven't done too well over the weekend keeping my eating under control. Holiday weekends are bad for diets, I think. I have kept up my exercise. It's a beautiful evening, so, before it gets too late, I am going on a 200 calorie killing bike ride!
See you!

2008_10_09

Banff National Park in Alberta Canada is just beautiful!

(My) Ode to (My Cousin) Joy

                    
  I found out exactly a week ago that my cousin, Joy (Burton) Good had been diagnosed with cancer in her liver.  I found out Thursday evening that she had died on Tuesday, August 24.
   Joy had just celebrated her 60th birthday on August 5.  Her sister, Marcia, told me today that she had been ready to fight the cancer. She had a great attitude about it all. But then, it was Joy. She would have a great attitude. Friends, that is just the way she lived her life. She was truly a "Joy".
   Last September, I was happy to reconnect with these cousins on my Dad's side of the family, the five daughters and one son of my Aunt Jean and Uncle Jerry. Unfortunately, it was at the funeral/memorial service for Uncle Jerry.  Joy was the first one of the family to greet me. She was very upbeat, especially considering the circumstances. As Marcia said today, "None of us could have known that we would be together again today under similar circumstances." She told me that Joy had only been sick for about six weeks. She also said that the family was glad that she did not have to suffer a long, drawn out battle.
   Joy and Don had been married for 34 years. He said at the funeral today that the best gift that Joy had ever given him was being a part of this family. He said, "Jeanie, I love you," to my Aunt Jean. He expressed his appreciation to everyone for showing up today.
   I remember many visits with Aunt Jean and Uncle Jerry when they lived in Elwood and we lived in Tipton. The girls were almost all older than we were. It was a great arrangement, as far as I was concerned. I had a lot of prom dresses to choose from on an occasion where I needed a formal for a chorus concert that I was in. The girls were Beth, Marcia, Joy, Barb and Kelly.  Kelly was the closest to our age. I think she was just a little younger than me. Of course, Kelly is the one I remember the best. But Joy was still special. And she hasn't changed. I became even more aware today that she had lived up to her name. Joy. Her Mom said it best: "She was a joy!" She touched a lot of people in her daily life.
  I found out today that her favorite color was red. She wore it often, and accented it with white and black. We were provided with red, white and black ribbons to tie onto a plant in her memory. Don was going to take it home with him after the service.
   I just want to say, in memory of Joy, that life is relatively short. You aren't promised tomorrows. We all need to learn to cherish and appreciate each other more today. You never know what an impact you may have on friends and family. Love extravagantly. Spread the JOY!

In My Own Defense

After re-reading my last post, I realized that some might wonder "Why are they taking a trip to Bloomington when they are destitute?" Or maybe, "Why are they going on this canoe trip?" Does it seem irresponsible to you that we are doing these things, because I mentioned that we are living at "poverty level"? Let me hasten to add, then, that we have had other back up resources that we have been using these past two years. And the trip was made upon Jay's recent loss of job, when we did still have another pay check coming from that. We only bought food out twice on the trip, and we did not have to pay for a hotel since we slept on Andy's apartment floor. Our biggest pay out, then was for the tank of gas to get down and back, and, in my opinion, it was well worth the expense. The canoe trip may seem like a splurge, but please read the rest of this post.

I attended a mini-seminar last year where the keynote speaker talked about poverty. She explained that you will see people on all kinds of Government programs spend money on what you might consider frivolous items and want to judge them because they could have paid bills with that money, but they went to a movie instead, or they bought something you wouldn't buy if you were in their shoes.  She explained that we should not judge these people, because we don't really know their circumstances. Sometimes, the thinking is something like this: "I can't pay all my bills with what little I get. I have worked so hard for so long, but I still can't pay all the bills. I deserve to splurge and use some of this money for what I want sometimes." Or maybe someone gave them some money for a birthday or other such occasion and said, "Please use this money to have some fun for a change. Or buy something special for yourself."

Whatever the case may be, I agree with this; we should not judge others when we don't really know their circumstances.

I do not believe in just throwing money away that we don't have. We have cut our spending way down. We rarely eat out anymore. I have been packing my own lunches. Most weeks we can get by on about $30 worth of groceries, especially here in the summer when we can eat from garden produce we get from friends for free. Both of us are probably a lot healthier because we ride our bikes or walk into town when we need something that we can get close by. We don't have cable tv, though we do both have cell phones. Anyway, the point is, we know how to be frugal and feel that we can allow ourselves some expenditures that would seem to others like we are being frivolous. We see a lot of live theater shows in the area because we usher or box office and in return, we see the shows for free. We should not cease to do things simply because we lack money. There are other ways to have fun if you are willing to find the ways around spending too much money.

We love all our friends and family and need your encouragement through this time. Please don't judge us?

What's New?

So, What's new with you? Do people ever ask you that? Sure they do! If you ask me that right now, I am probably not going to come back with the most optimistic, make you feel good answer.  I could say that I recently took a couple of days off of work, (paid vacation days, God bless them!). Jay and Tricia and I went down to Bloomington and spent a little time with Andy. It is always good for my spirits to see my kids, even if it's only two of them; and I absolutely love Bloomington, Indiana. The only down side of that is that, when I originally planned the trip, it was just going to be me and maybe Tricia going down. Jay was supposed to be working, still. But he lost that job at Jayco after only three short weeks. Same problem as before, he works too slow. He is so meticulous about what he does, he just can't get used to slapping something together the way the RV places want him to.  So, I am trying to maintain a good attitude folks, but it isn't working too well.

I'm now thinking that we will probably have to give up our nice place in Middlebury where we are currently renting. I'm also thinking it would be wiser and save gas and also money if we lived closer to my job in Elkhart. These are hard choices. I detest the idea of living in Elkhart. (No offense to those of you who live there. I am just thinking that the places in Elkhart where we could find something to rent on my paycheck alone are not going to be nice neighborhoods.) I did find an apartment to rent in a pretty decent neighborhood near the hospital yesterday. It's a one bedroom with utilities included in the price of rent. It is an upstairs apartment though. We aren't getting any younger, and the thought of moving furniture into an upstairs apartment makes me shudder. Plus, we still have so much stuff...I guess we just need to purge. A lot of this stuff isn't even garage sale worthy. Why are we keeping it?!

I am very unhappy about all of this, but I am willing to face the harsh realities. I was really hoping that we could get things turned around, and that Jay would have finally found a job he could hang onto by now. It has been two years since we sold his cabinet shop. He has not held a job for longer than three weeks since. I am so weary of all of the waiting and wondering. (Christian persons, please do not quote scriptures to me. I am sort of mad at God right now, and I don't want to hear it. Remember, I went to Bible College for two years, and I KNOW the Bible. Jay says "We need to just trust the Lord." Ok, where is He and why doesn't He do something?!)

Please just excuse me for venting, a little bit here. I know there are a lot of people in worse shape than we are. I mean, not just people in Haiti and Pakistan, but right here, in Indiana. I should be thankful, and I really am, that I have a good job. I am thankful, too, that we were able to sell the cabinet shop and our home on CR 35, and didn't just lose them because we couldn't pay the mortgage and so forth. But I am beginning to wonder if we are going to end up homeless. I found out the other day, when I was filing for deferrment, again, on my student loans, that we are actually at poverty level. That's fun.

You might be shocked that I would actually share that. But, hey, my life has always been an open book. I don't care if you know that. I'm not hiding anything.

So, I guess that's what's new with me. And that's enough, for now.

Christine's Incident

Christine Schaubert: Front right.

I heard over the weekend that Christine had been helping someone with a horse, and they were a little sketchy on the details, but said she would not be able to walk for a year and that she had had three surgeries by the weekend. I was reluctant to call Christine's mom, Sharon, for fear of stirring her from what may be the only rest she was getting. But last night (July 29), I decided to try to call Christine's sister, Bethany. When that number that we had rang through as not in service, I broke down and called Sharon. Even though I got the details from her, I am still a little sketchy myself, but this is what Sharon told me.

Christine was out in Central Park in Elkhart with Black, which is the horse that belongs to Liz Borger Pletcher that Christine used to have in 4-H Saddle club several years ago. Liz was wanting her horse to be in the Musical "Oklahoma". But Black has been out of circulation for a few years due to health problems. Chris took Black off for a ride to get him used to the park. The horse got kind of jumpy and was upset. She was riding him down an incline and he started "crow jumping." He was not bucking, but Christine decided she needed to get down on the ground and calm him. She went to jump off, but she landed wrong.  Sharon said the impact of the way she landed broke two bones in her right leg. The Fibula shot through the skin and out through her blue jeans. The Tibia was shattered, somehow tearing through the skin and into the ground underneath.

Doctors were able to repair the Fibula. The Tibia is in very bad shape. The most recent surgery they did yesterday was to start grafting bone. There were just shards of bone in the Tibia to work with. Sharon said they have told her there will be many more surgeries. Christine will probably be "walking" with a walker and crutches. Sharon said they have told her it will be a year plus other recovery time before she will walk unaided.

Sharon has her hands full taking care of her 91 year old mother with Alzheimers at home. Now she will have two to care for. They told her yesterday that Chris might be able to go home today. (July 30). But Sharon said she was going to appeal to the Doctor to give her the weekend so that Chris might be further along in her recovery before sending her home.

If you know the family, you know what they have been through. Please keep them in your prayers.

Edit Adding
I saw Christine today at the Hospital. She looks great! Her attitude is superb. She was dressed in a polo shirt and shorts, no hospital gown for her today. She looks like a little athlete. She was cheerful and she joked with me when I came in, "So, I guess I have to break a leg to see some people I haven't seen for a while." Sharon is still hoping she won't go home until Monday. When I first got there, there was a Therapist there, I believe she was an Occupational Therapist, and she was going over some of the tips to help Christine manage when she goes home. Christine was saying, "Oh I'm so thankful for this information." I didn't get to stay long, but long enough for Christine to clear some of things up for me that were muddled. I promised to come visit her again when she gets home.

That's How It Is

Now that Jay is employed again, you would think that I could calm down and concentrate on other things. At least, I should be able to be content. But the last time he had the job he thought he wanted, back in December, he lost it after one week. He was so devastated, he came home and went to bed. I had a heck of a time getting him out of bed to go to a show we had to do that night. (We were in "Sander's Family Christmas" at the time.)

I was reminded yesterday that Jay is on this job for the first three weeks on probation. This next week is the critical week. The thing you must do at an RV factory is work quickly and efficiently.  He is telling me that they have already told him a couple of times that he has to build his drawers faster. He is now working as fast as he can, trying to keep ahead of the others there. He says he is working faster than he used to work when he was working for himself and thought he was working fast. In other words, according to him, he is working as fast as he can. If he gets fired this time, I don't know what it will do to him. He really wants to keep this job.

I believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in the power of positive thinking. I told him that if he exudes confidence, it will be easier for me to be confident. It will also be easier for his employer to have confidence in him if he seems confident. Right now, he just seems scared. I don't blame him for being scared. He has been mostly out of work for two years. But you have to start somewhere.

If you think of him this week, and if you pray, go ahead and pray for him. If you don't pray, thanks for thinking of him, try to keep it positive. Jay worked for all the 30 years before he sold his shop. He worked hard and long hours. We raised our kids on his income alone, and, while sometimes we didn't have excess, we always had enough to pay bills and meet the needs of our family. He built beautiful cabinets for people. When the building business dried up and he wasn't building so many cabinets, he had a production job that kept him busy until the manufacturer replaced some of his product line with a plastic product. He isn't ready to retire yet.

I am trying to keep a positive attitude too. It is difficult, you know, because I am a pessimist by nature. See, even my blood type is B negative! I always think of the worse case scenario and hope that it doesn't happen. It's so easy to "be negative".  I would like to be more positive. My hero, Randy Pausch, in his book, "The Last Lecture" challenged me (us) to be a "Tigger" and not an "Eeyore". I really need to get a big picture of Tigger and put it up here in my office at home. And I need one to put up in the office at work, too. It will remind me that I have to choose to be upbeat and positive like Tigger, rather than gloomy like Eeyore. I think that's how it is, you have to make a conscience effort to choose to be positive. That's how it is, anyway, if you are me!

Restaurant Review: Niles, Michigan

We had occasion to eat at two Niles, Michigan restaurants and found both worthy of commmentary. So here goes.

On July 4th, we were heading back from being at Warren Dunes State Park. We decided we would stop in Niles instead of waiting to get all the way to South Bend.  We really just wanted something that was open since it was Sunday and 4th of July to boot! We stopped at a little place called "The Nugget." I feel like it was a real find! The service was excellent. The waiter was very attentive to our needs, yet not too yackety. (You know what I mean? Have you ever had a wait staff that you felt like wanted to be your long lost relative by the time the meal was over? Yes, and all you wanted was for them to just shut up so you could enjoy your dinner?) Just by way of contrast, we had recently tried a newer restaurant in Goshen and within 10 minutes of being there, the waitress had Jay so thoroughly annoyed I thought we were going to have to leave.  I will save that for another post, though. And only if you tell me you want to know.

The food at the Nugget was very good. The waiter brought out my soup-of-the-day, homemade chicken dumpling soup. As he handed it to me, he said, "I made that fresh this morning." I was getting ready for the requisite chuckle and the "yeah, right". But I looked at his face and saw he was serious. So I stifled. That soup was tremendous. I could have made a meal of the soup alone. Big chunky vegetables in a hearty broth with just the right amount of dumplings. Jay had chosen the salad, which was not as commendable as the soup. (Neither of us are real fans of iceberg lettuce based salad. More on this later.)

Jay had asked about the special of the day, which was a batter fried fish. But the waiter thought Jay might enjoy the cajun tilapia, which turned out to be a great choice. It was lightly hand breaded with cajun seasonings and was broiled rather than fried. I had grilled shrimp, and it was very impressive. Nice and moist, cooked just right and contained a lemon pepper seasoning. I am drooling just thinking about it. We were too full for dessert. Seems like we always are.

The second place we stopped in Niles was on the occasion of our 32 anniversary. While we were eating at the Nugget, we were reading our placemats there, which were cleverly put together by the Chamber of Commerce, I believe. It featured other businesses and restaurants to try in the area. This lead us to our discovery of the Riverfront Cafe. We had seen it on our way into town, but I was in the wrong lane to turn off the main drag to get there, and we didn't want to go back in case it was closed.

Maybe we should have taken the warning from the hostess that the air conditioner was on the blink. It was getting to be evening, though, by the time we got there. I didn't think it would be too uncomfortable, even though it had been pretty hot all day.

We were impressed by the brick interior walls and all the wood trim. It was the kind of restaurant you can dress up a little to go, or come in from a day of shopping and still feel comfortable.  The table we sat at had bench seats, you can see us in the picture at the beginning of the blog.

The food was all very good and prices reasonable. I had a chicken portabella with marsala sauce accompanied by garlic mashed potatoes. Jay had a prime rib dinner with baby red roasted potatoes. Before they brought that out to us, though, we had our dinner salads. The salads were of fresh baby greens with crumbled blue cheese and spicy slivered almonds and dried cranberries. I had the house dressing which was a balsamic vinaigrette, Jay had blue cheese. (Or bleu cheese, if you prefer). I ate every bite of it! You may not believe me when I tell you, because I, like my daughter, love bread; but the least desirable item we were served was the cranberry apple walnut bread that accompanied the meal. I guess since I was expecting a nut bread, and it was clearly a yeast bread base, I was a little put off by it. But it doesn't matter. I was very satisfied with the rest of the meal. In fact I was so stuffed that I had to refuse even to split the cute little $2.00 desserts the waitress brought by after we had finished the meal. These  were mostly of the cheesecake and mousse variety. They looked splendid! So if you go, be hungry!

The really sad part is that by the time the desserts came, Jay had just about all he could handle of the problem with the air conditioner not working there. The restaurant does have outdoor patio dining, and we could have chosen that. It is very rarely that I like eating on the patio anywhere. I don't like bugs. But there were a couple of flies in the restaurant, too, so...(By the way, I killed those two flies with a rolled up magazine I had picked up in the lobby while we were waiting to be seated.) Hopefully, the air conditioning problem has been fixed.

If you are going through Niles, I could recommend either one of these restaurants. Hope you enjoy your time there!

Summertime

It's been so long since I blogged, and I won't make this one long. I will just say that I am really enjoying the summer. I don't know if the thyroid medication has contributed to this at all, but I have lost that dreadful, morbid and depressed feeling I had all winter. I feel pretty good and a little more optimistic most of the time.

Jay started a new job at Jayco. Finally. He has been waiting for this position since February and has tried to keep occupied with other things in the process. I am still not really optimistic about this, but a week has gone by and things are still looking good for him there. This, in spite of the fact that he was about half an hour late on Thursday. We are not going to let that happen again. We have alarm clocks set all over the house now at about 5 minute intervals!

We could not really afford it, but we went away for two nights for our anniversary to St. Joseph Michigan.  That was fun. We went to Silver Beach a couple of times, walked around at the Krasal Art Fair. We didn't buy anything, but it was fun to look. We didn't have to pay to go to the beach because we found a place within walking distance to park both times. We played frisbee in the water, which is a lot more fun than playing in the yard. We took pictures to memorialize it all.

We have been married 32 years. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. There are many, many days between the day I said "I do" and all the way up until now that I feel like I made a terrible mistake. There have been plenty of times I have wanted to throw in the towel. But, Jay and I do love each other. There are a lot of things that we see eye to eye on, and we have built a life together. The last two years while he has been mostly unemployed have not been a picnic, but we have toughed it out. I am hoping for better days ahead.

I finished reading the book "Moon River and Me" by Andy Williams. It was a trip down memory lane. An autobiography is a great way to see that other people have had pain and sadness in their lives as well as success.  It binds the heart to see all the times someone tried and failed, and then, eventually, they succeeded. Makes you feel that you are not alone, and you will succeed too.

Just one more paragraph. I sooooo enjoyed my most recent day with my daughter, July 12. We went to Mount Baldy near Michigan City, Indiana. I forgot the camera, but she took some pictures with her cell phone. Maybe we will figure out how to download the pictures and put them on Facebook. Keep an eye out for that. Anyway, it was fun getting out in the water that day. Waves were coming in and it was fun to body surf. We just had some good conversation too. Good times!

What do I want? Does it really matter?

   I started training at Meijer's store this week for the position of Cashier. I never thought that I would be doing this, especially at this juncture in my life. It is not what I would have chosen. If I have to have a second job, and for now, I do, this is probably as good as any. I could be doing any number of distasteful and menial jobs. Meijer's is a pretty good place. It's a friendly atmosphere, and so far the job seems do-able.

   All the while I am thinking, "What do I really want? Is it really necessary for me to have two jobs?" And "am I just being greedy?"

   I think all I really want is some security. If Jay goes on being unstable in his job prospects, at least I know that the bills can get paid out of what I am making. I wish that could be accomplished with just my first job. But it can't. That has been proven over the last 12 months. Beyond that, I would like to replenish my savings account and see us get out of the credit hole we have dug ourselves into. I won't be able to do that alone, even with two jobs.

  What do I really want? I want Jay to get a REAL job and to be able to hold on to it for at least a year. When I say a "REAL" job, I mean a job where he goes in every day, at least five days a week, and draws a dependable wage. Almost all of our married life he has worked for himself, and our income always depended on what work he could get for the cabinet shop. Of course, there was the Hot Air Balloon company that we had for five years that supplemented our income, maybe. I don't know if, at the end of the whole thing, we actually lost more money at that than we took in.  I don't want us to have to depend on "finding work" now. I want him to have steady, dependable income.

  There is the question of "does any of this really matter." I think the answer to that is, "It matters to me. Is that enough?" Sometimes I think that I really don't have anything to look forward to. I have dreams, but they all seem impossible now. I used to have faith that things would get better. But that has dwindled to almost non-existence. I wonder if Jay will ever be able to find steady work. I would have liked to build one more home that we could prepare to retire in. Now it doesn't even look like retirement is an option. I think I will be working for the rest of my life. That thought brings many dark thoughts.

  I know I am just in a dark time right now. As I said before, things really aren't so bad. I know plenty of people in much worse situations. At least I can work...and two jobs, when one is only part-time, are not such a hardship. I hope that I can rise above. Right now I am just holding on.

Working

If you have a job right now, you should cherish that job. I cherish my job working for Elkhart County Health Department in the Women, Infant, and Children division.  (WIC) I will cherish my second job working as a cashier, whenever I start training there. I looked for both of these jobs for a while. In this economy it is hard to find a job. My husband has been looking for just two months short of two years.

Jay finally got some work yesterday. I had been telling him about this place, Labor Ready, that has a rare sign in their window: Now Hiring. There aren't many places in Elkhart County that have a sign like that. Anyway, Wednesday he finally went over there. He took the tests, he filled out forms and an application. They told him that the best way for him to get a job was to show up there the next morning between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m. He got up and went over there, worked 8 hours and got paid. He can do it again today.

Jay isn't lazy. He has had a job here and there since he liquidated his cabinet shop. He has suffered a lot of rejections, which I didn't know until recently how that has affected him. He has been severely depressed after losing a couple of jobs that he had hoped would last. He has put up with a lot of my own frustration and disappointment.  He has been looking in a lot of the wrong places for work. Cabinet makers and woodworkers just aren't hiring right now. The industry is slow. I had told him a couple of weeks ago that he was going to have to spread out his nets a little bit more if he were going to catch fish.

I just want to thank all of our family and friends who have prayed for us, tried to encourage us, or otherwise helped us through this time. I hope that things will continue to get better. The job doesn't really pay much, but it's better than sitting at home drawing no income!

Babblings

I was thinking of how much I miss my son, Justin. He is in pilot training in the Air Force and I haven't seen him since June of last year. And I probably won't see him until December of this year...if I get to see him then. It was almost at this time last year that I learned that he was going to be going to pilot training and that he was going to be married. What made me realise just how much I miss him, and his wife, was that I was looking through the wedding pictures. Seeing their faces in the pictures, the love in their eyes, well...just got me thinking of them both.

But, of course, I miss all my kids almost all the time. Whenever they aren't with me, I miss them. This is natural for a mother. While I understand that they have to live their lives, just as I have had to live mine separated from my parents, and I have accepted this as a fact of life, it doesn't make me miss them less. I do look forward to the next time I see them, speak to them, receive e-mail from them. I am even happy just to read their posts on Facebook.

I also miss my friends, all of them, young and old, collectively and separately. Now, am I just weird, or is this a common human condition?

I was supposed to see my parents today. It worked out for the best that Dad called and said not to come down. I was kind of worn out from the trip we took yesterday to Holland, Michigan. Another trip today and I would have felt like I needed a day off tomorrow, which I don't have. Mom was not feeling well, had coughed all night and needed to catch up on her rest today. I understand. But I miss them, too.

When Mom had back surgery last year in August, I went to the store one day with my Dad to buy some groceries and things. My Dad, God bless him, was so worried about my Mom. And he has had to take on some of the chores that Mom alone used to do. But, walking in the store that day, I was observing my Dad. Just walking with him, and watching him walk, I realised all of a sudden that what my sister had been saying was true. Our parents were becoming "elderly".

See, I was watching Daddy walking, and I realised that he has the gait of a little old man. I had never seen him that way before. He had always been big and strong.... Tears came to my eyes, but I could not just break down crying right there in the aisle at Meijers, could I? So, I did what I always do; push down the tears, put on a smile, and cope.

I do that every day!

Family Reunions

I was just so excited to reconnect with two of my cousins this weekend. Judy and Theresa, along with their sister Karen, used to come visit often when we were all kids growing up. Aunt Rosie and Uncle Dave lived in Fort Wayne, and would come with the girls to visit for the weekend. We would double up bed space, which was always a commodity at our house. Sometimes we would go visit them in Fort Wayne. We were the "country" kids, and they were the "city" kids.
Now, we are all grown up. Judy and Theresa have grand children. Some of us have grand children too. (Rob and Larry.) It's good to see them, and to see their faces and learn about their lives. It's been a while.
But what is really fun is to think about back then. It is also fun to see pictures of us as we were back then. Life was different, if not better. We were young and full of life. We always had stories to tell each other. Uncle Dave was a great story/joke teller, and the girls learned some good ones from him. I even remember some of those jokes. We would always get into trouble at night, when the parents were playing cards and drinking beers, and we cousins would be giggling and talking instead of going to sleep.
It isn't quite the same as actually getting together and seeing each other again, reconnecting on Facebook that is. But, It is fun and I am thankful for the technology that may allow us for a follow up of a real family reunion.

Justin in the Air Force

A lot of my friends know that one of our sons, Justin, is in the Air Force. He started out in the Air National Guard. His goal was always to get his education, which Uncle Sam paid for while he was in the Guard, then to go full time Air Force and become a pilot. His dream is on the way to becoming reality. He has been full time Air Force since June of 2009, very shortly after he married his sweetheart, Amanda Wallis, in May.

I hate to brag, really. But I am so proud of him. He had his solo flight Friday, February 19 in a T-6. The program that he is in, as far as I am told by a letter from Lieutenant Colonel Andrew R Brabson, the Commander for the 41st Flying Training Squadron at Columbus Air Force Base in Mississippi, is a 52 week Specialized Undergraduate Pilot Training. He should graduate, as far as I am told, sometime in December. I hope to be there.

I so admire Justin because he decided what he wanted to do with his life, and he has set his focus on it and is going for it. I know there has been great stress for him through this process, and it isn't over yet. It is a high stress pursuit, for sure! And I am so glad that his beautiful wife is there to see him through this time. She is wonderful. (I hear she got up at 5:45 the morning of his solo flight to bake monster cookies. Doesn't she sound like a wonderful wife?) It is a load off my mind that she is there with him through this time.

Stay tuned for further updates. Love to Justin and Amanda. Also, hearty congratulations.

The Weekend Started Out Falafel

Falafel. Boy, I hope I spelled that right. The weekend started out falafel. I should say the weekend started out eating a falafel. Let me explain.

Friday night, after work, I wanted to do something special. So, I called up Jeff and Tricia to see if they had plans that they could fit us into. Jeff said they were going to First Friday in Goshen and were going to eat a lentil sandwich at a fund-raiser. You know my hearing is bad, but I thought he said "lentil sandwich". So I asked him to repeat it, and he said they were going to eat falafels at a fund-raiser. I knew I had heard him wrong the first time. Anyway, he graciously allowed Jay and I to join in the fun.

It was cold and windy and snowy when we headed to Goshen. We met Tricia and Jeff on the corner near their apartment and walked down to Main Street to find the Falafel venders. It was New World Theatre that we were supporting. Those two guys were standing under a portable awning, making and selling falafels right next to The Daily Brew. We ordered them up and went inside to eat them. First time I ever had one. They were good. I hope they do it again sometime soon since I don't know anywhere else in the area where you can get a falafel.

By the way, a falafel is a type of lentil sandwich. So the weekend started out Falafel, but it got better after that. : )

Andy in Europe

Our son, Andy, is in Europe. He had wanted to be there, in his original plans, for a year. He left in October 2009 and should be home sometime early in February. He bought a Euro-pass so that he could ride trains around for three or four months to different countries. I can't even tell you where all he has been. He started out in France, I believe in Paris. He has been to Morocco, Italy, Venice, Austria, Germany, Portugal, Spain, and Greece, to name some of the places where he has been. He is, as I am writing this, waiting to board a ferry in the first leg of his trip to Croatia. The ferry ride alone is 15 hours. The trip will last around 48 hours. I just Skyped with him briefly, and, let me just say, he doesn't look anything like these two pictures of him. He has not had a hair cut or maybe even a shave since he left Bloomington, Indiana, in October.

I have always been a practical person. I am very conservative in most issues of life. I must confess that the adventurous nature of the trip that my son embarked upon has served to make me very nervous for his safety. But, as the weeks have passed, and he has been safe, a fascination with what he has done and the places where he has been has captured me. I would never have done what he has done, which is basically been backpacking from place to place, staying in hostels with strange people, who have become friends. He has experienced sights, sounds, tastes of other cultures and beautiful places. I can hardly wait until he comes home and tells us of his travels. He has written things on Facebook that alarmed me, things about being drunk in Berlin and wondering around in the dark, for instance. He told of a couple of encounters with a young pick pocket. But, for the most part, he has had a great experience. I think it has been just what he was looking for.

I do not know how this whole trip will have affected him. I know he was already thinking that he would like to live in Europe, or even anywhere except in the US. Don't ask me about that. You will have to ask him. But, I think, on the whole, it has been a great adventure for him, and he has grown as a person. I admire him for going.

His trip has affected me. I never really wanted to leave the US. To me, I like it right here, thank you very much. I had no desire to go to Europe. But now, I can imagine going there and liking it. I would see all the things that I have only seen in pictures, and they would become more real to me. I'm going to go someday. And I have Andy to thank for that.

Skiing

We got to go ski for the first time this season on Martin Luther King Day. It was expensive, and I sort of felt guilty about spending the money. In fact, I sat down and had to think about it after we had driven up there to Swiss Valley Ski Area and found they were charging the holiday rate. We have been at zero cash flow, or nearly so, up until Friday. Jay got a check for a bid that he had worked on last year, or there would have been no way we could have even driven up there. At any rate, we decided to go. I needed some fun in my life, and we needed the exercise.

I love to ski. I want to be a very old lady and still able to ski down those slopes. It isn't like skiing on mountains here. There really aren't anything close to mountains around here within a few hours driving distance. So we ski on hills. It's okay. I still enjoy it. The thrill of abandoning caution and really speeding down the hill, it's almost like flying. I like getting out there and watching the other skiers, too. It is very therapeutic to be out on the snow and challenging myself to do better than the last time I went.

I would really like to ski on a real mountain someday. I promised myself that I would. So, one of these days when we are out of this financial slump, I am going somewhere with real mountains for the purpose of skiing on a REAL MOUNTAIN!

Memories

Have you ever tried looking back as far as possible into your childhood to try to see what may be the earliest thing from your life that you remember? Every once in a while, I play this game. The problem is, I am not sure how old I was at different events from my past that I remember. It kind of helps that we lived in several places while I was growing up. I know what the progression was in our living in different places, and I can attach certain memories to certain places.

I was born in Elwood, a small town in Indiana. Mom and Dad were buying a house there when I was born. I have no memories of living in that house at all. I only knew that house from later on when Mom and Dad sold it. My first memory was of a house where we lived in Tipton, which is where I grew up and went to school. I would have to check with my Mom about details, but I remember a sandbox in the back yard and one of those play balls; the inflatable, vinyl kind. For some reason we moved from this house when I was very young, maybe when my brother David was born. We moved to the Oyler farm. (Mr. Oyler was the landlord.) I remember a lot about the Oyler farm.

At the Oyler farm, I remember the dogs. My dad raised beagles. I don't have any memory of dogs before the Oyler farm, though we may have had them before then. But I remember Lil, Queeny, Shotgun. I remember we kids used to play in the barn, but we shouldn't. I remember we got Uncle Steve's bicycle, which was humongous, but I learned to ride it anyway. I remember one day deciding to run away together with my little brother, David. Our older brother, Larry, ran after us and begged us not to go. I remember Larry was a bully back then. He was the first one who ever sucker punched me in the stomach, and that, too, happened at the Oyler farm.

Funny the kinds of things you can pull up from your childhood. What was your earliest memory?

Thyroid problems

I went to the company clinic to have a Health Risk Assessment. This is required of all County employees once a year. If you don't comply, they will raise your insurance premiums by 15%. So I went back in December. The first step is they take a history, take your blood pressure, weight, temperature and they draw blood. My blood tests almost all came back within the normal range. No high cholesterol, no blood sugar problems...mostly good. There was a little elevation in some count involving my liver. But the real trouble was with my readings regarding my thyroid. The levels are high. After two more blood draws, just before Christmas I found out that my anti-thirogobulin count was 262. The normal level is from 0 to 40. The person who reported this to me was not allowed to "interpret" the results, only to report them. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow morning (January 8) to see what the "interpretation" of this might be. Still, I think he won't be able to tell me anything conclusive and will probably be ordering more tests.

I did some internet searches, and I really think I may be in for a long haul just from the information I learned. It is all so odd. If I had not had to go for the health risk assessment, I would not have known anything was wrong. I really don't have any of the hypothyroid (low functioning thyroid, which is what they say I have) symptoms. I should be fatigued, dry skinned and losing hair, constipated (sorry if this is too much information). I don't have these problems. Oh, and I should have unexplained weight gain. I might have heart palpitations. So, I am not experiencing any of these in a noteworthy fashion.

I am experiencing difficulty in swallowing and I seem to always be coughing. I have been attributing this to the fact that I seem to always have acid reflux. If I were concerned about anything, it would have been that. Now, I find out, this could be symptoms of thyroid cancer. Yuck. Cancer. Really don't want to go there, ya know what I mean, Vern?

I will keep you posted.

Global Warming

How many times have people thought that Global Warming is just a hoax, possibly meant to be used by super powers to advance Global Governance? So many times I have heard the comment, "So much for global warming" when it is unusually cold here in Indiana; summer or winter. Perhaps it is a ruse being used in the aforementioned ways. But, if it is real, or even a possibility, should you just shrug it off? Are there things that individuals can and should do to contribute to a resolution?

I studied global warning about this time last year as I was writing a paper to test out of a college course in Communications I. I was able to test out of the class and learn more about the subject. See, I believe that Global Warming is a problem that affects us all. We hear these terms "green house gases, CO2 and Kyoto Protocol," and we go on our merry way, pretending like they don' t really matter to us.

According to Shasta Gaughen in the book "Global Warming: Contemporary Issues Companion":

Approximately two-thirds fo the energy earth receives from the sun is

absorbed by land masses and oceans and is then released into the

atmosphere as warm, long-wave radiation. The atmosphere of earth

is full of so-called greenhouse gases such as water vapor, carbon dioxide,

ozone, methane, and nitrous oxide that act like a blanket, trapping some

of the heat radiating from the land and oceans and preventing too much

energy from escaping into space...The trapped heat keeps earth at a

comfortable average temperature of about sixty-three degrees fahrenheit.

This process is known as the greenhouse effect (7).

Now we need the greenhouse effect, but the problems come because recently, with the industrial revolution, man has been releasing more and more CO2 (carbon dioxide) into the atmosphere. More greenhouse gases are being trapped

in the atmosphere, meaning more heat, ''...leading to higher temperatures around the globe and the potential for global climate changes (8).

The "potential" is the word that really causes a lot of fuss in the scientific community. Some scientists do not agree about the cause and affect. But if we err, shouldn't we err on the side of caution? It seems prudent to me to do so.

When we talk about warming of the earth, just how much warmer are we talking? "The Rough Guide to Climate Change" by Robert Henson suggests:

Independent teams of scientists have laboriously combed through

more than a century's worth of temperature records (in the case of

England, closer to 300 year's worth). The analyses all point to 0.8 C (1.4 F)

in the average surface air temperature of earth over the last century...(3).

The International Panel on Climate Change (a panel "of scientific experts assembled by the United Nations") (Gaughen 7) released a report in January

of 2001 warning that: "The panel found that the 1990s had been the warmest

decade on record and predicted temperatures will rise anywhere from 2.5 to 10.4 degrees (Fahrenheit) around the world over the next century..."

Maybe this does not sound alarming to you, but in some warm climates, it can be devastating. And the warmer air brings all kinds of problems into the weather patterns everywhere.

One of the most interesting and middle-of-the-road books I read on this subject was "Cool It: The Skeptical Environmentalist's Guide to Global Warming" by Bjorn Lomborg. If you only read one book on the subject, read this one. Bjorn Lomborg is really an economist more than an environmentalist. He raises some rather interesting skepticisms to some of the extreme views of, for instance, Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth: The Planetary Emergency of Global Warming and What We Can Do About It". One of the most insightful things that Lomborg says is this about the Kyoto Protocol:

...Even if all countries had ratified it (the United States and Australia did not),

and all countries lived up to their commitments (which many will have a hard

time doing)...the temperature by 2050 would be an immeasurable 0.1 degree F

lower...it surprises most people to learn how little its {Kyoto Protocol's}

adoption would actually change the future. (22)

Still, there are things that all of us can do to make our "carbon footprint", (the carbon dioxide we emit daily) smaller. One thing that is suggested is that we buy locally grown, organic produce as much as possible. Any fruits or vegetable grown locally do not have to be shipped long distances in a ship or truck or other mode of transportation. We are purchasing eggs, some cheese and as many vegetables as possible locally. This time of year, the vegetables aren't as readily available, but you may still find potatoes and other root crops at the Farmer's Markets.

Other things, suggested from Robert Henson's "Rough Guide to Climate Change" are:

use compact fluorescent bulbs for lighting,

wash clothes in as cool temperatures as possible

plant trees

buy fair-trade label coffees and other imported foods (Henson 318-321).

Fair-trade purchases will assure that you "reduce the risk that rainforests are being chopped down to support your tastes" (321)

I am convinced that Global Warming is a real problem. Let's do what we can to be part of the solution.

Works Cited

Gaughen, Shasta. Introduction. Global Warming: Contemporary Issues Companion

Henson, Robert. The Rough Guide to Climate Change: The Symptoms. The Science. The Solutions.

Lomborg, Bjorn. Cool It: The Skeptical Environmentalist's Guide to Global Warming.

Happy New Blog

One thing that I really want to do this year is to start blogging. I want to do this for the simple reason that I love to write, even if no one reads what I write. I think blogging will be a great way for me to log what is and maybe what isn't happening in my world.

Today I was depressed. Sometimes I get into these dark holes and I don't quite know how to get myself out again. I feel disconnected and insignificant to everyone, even God. I believe that God is, let me firmly establish that. I just feel somehow forgotten by him. I think that, right now, this has to do with the uncertainty that I have about my recent discovery that I have a "thyroid condition". My anti-thirogubulin reading was 262. I was informed that the normal range is between 0-40. I am not sure what all of this means yet. I will find out more on Friday, January 8. I searched a bit on Google, and did not like some of the explanations that I found there.

I get this feeling that, right now, life is just happening all around me. I am not really living life, the way I'm meant to. Instead, I am just being swept along. Even the house that we are living in right now reflects this. We are renting a very nice house, I like it fine, and am very thankful for it. But it is not my house. I don't ever really feel at home here.

My husband, Jay, being out of work for so long is another thing that adds to the disquiet in my soul. We are struggling so, and sometimes I feel like he just doesn't understand. I leave for work on Monday mornings. Sometimes, if he is up, he stands in the living room and bids me good-bye. When I walk away and then look back at him as I go out of the door, he looks like one of the Lost Boys from Neverland. I wonder if he is ever going to seem employable to anyone.

So, anyway. Here I am. Blogging. It is a step for me. I hope that I am able to grow throughout this year. Maybe someone will even read this and be able to share in my experience or offer helpful suggestings.