Summertime

It's been so long since I blogged, and I won't make this one long. I will just say that I am really enjoying the summer. I don't know if the thyroid medication has contributed to this at all, but I have lost that dreadful, morbid and depressed feeling I had all winter. I feel pretty good and a little more optimistic most of the time.

Jay started a new job at Jayco. Finally. He has been waiting for this position since February and has tried to keep occupied with other things in the process. I am still not really optimistic about this, but a week has gone by and things are still looking good for him there. This, in spite of the fact that he was about half an hour late on Thursday. We are not going to let that happen again. We have alarm clocks set all over the house now at about 5 minute intervals!

We could not really afford it, but we went away for two nights for our anniversary to St. Joseph Michigan.  That was fun. We went to Silver Beach a couple of times, walked around at the Krasal Art Fair. We didn't buy anything, but it was fun to look. We didn't have to pay to go to the beach because we found a place within walking distance to park both times. We played frisbee in the water, which is a lot more fun than playing in the yard. We took pictures to memorialize it all.

We have been married 32 years. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. There are many, many days between the day I said "I do" and all the way up until now that I feel like I made a terrible mistake. There have been plenty of times I have wanted to throw in the towel. But, Jay and I do love each other. There are a lot of things that we see eye to eye on, and we have built a life together. The last two years while he has been mostly unemployed have not been a picnic, but we have toughed it out. I am hoping for better days ahead.

I finished reading the book "Moon River and Me" by Andy Williams. It was a trip down memory lane. An autobiography is a great way to see that other people have had pain and sadness in their lives as well as success.  It binds the heart to see all the times someone tried and failed, and then, eventually, they succeeded. Makes you feel that you are not alone, and you will succeed too.

Just one more paragraph. I sooooo enjoyed my most recent day with my daughter, July 12. We went to Mount Baldy near Michigan City, Indiana. I forgot the camera, but she took some pictures with her cell phone. Maybe we will figure out how to download the pictures and put them on Facebook. Keep an eye out for that. Anyway, it was fun getting out in the water that day. Waves were coming in and it was fun to body surf. We just had some good conversation too. Good times!

What do I want? Does it really matter?

   I started training at Meijer's store this week for the position of Cashier. I never thought that I would be doing this, especially at this juncture in my life. It is not what I would have chosen. If I have to have a second job, and for now, I do, this is probably as good as any. I could be doing any number of distasteful and menial jobs. Meijer's is a pretty good place. It's a friendly atmosphere, and so far the job seems do-able.

   All the while I am thinking, "What do I really want? Is it really necessary for me to have two jobs?" And "am I just being greedy?"

   I think all I really want is some security. If Jay goes on being unstable in his job prospects, at least I know that the bills can get paid out of what I am making. I wish that could be accomplished with just my first job. But it can't. That has been proven over the last 12 months. Beyond that, I would like to replenish my savings account and see us get out of the credit hole we have dug ourselves into. I won't be able to do that alone, even with two jobs.

  What do I really want? I want Jay to get a REAL job and to be able to hold on to it for at least a year. When I say a "REAL" job, I mean a job where he goes in every day, at least five days a week, and draws a dependable wage. Almost all of our married life he has worked for himself, and our income always depended on what work he could get for the cabinet shop. Of course, there was the Hot Air Balloon company that we had for five years that supplemented our income, maybe. I don't know if, at the end of the whole thing, we actually lost more money at that than we took in.  I don't want us to have to depend on "finding work" now. I want him to have steady, dependable income.

  There is the question of "does any of this really matter." I think the answer to that is, "It matters to me. Is that enough?" Sometimes I think that I really don't have anything to look forward to. I have dreams, but they all seem impossible now. I used to have faith that things would get better. But that has dwindled to almost non-existence. I wonder if Jay will ever be able to find steady work. I would have liked to build one more home that we could prepare to retire in. Now it doesn't even look like retirement is an option. I think I will be working for the rest of my life. That thought brings many dark thoughts.

  I know I am just in a dark time right now. As I said before, things really aren't so bad. I know plenty of people in much worse situations. At least I can work...and two jobs, when one is only part-time, are not such a hardship. I hope that I can rise above. Right now I am just holding on.

Working

If you have a job right now, you should cherish that job. I cherish my job working for Elkhart County Health Department in the Women, Infant, and Children division.  (WIC) I will cherish my second job working as a cashier, whenever I start training there. I looked for both of these jobs for a while. In this economy it is hard to find a job. My husband has been looking for just two months short of two years.

Jay finally got some work yesterday. I had been telling him about this place, Labor Ready, that has a rare sign in their window: Now Hiring. There aren't many places in Elkhart County that have a sign like that. Anyway, Wednesday he finally went over there. He took the tests, he filled out forms and an application. They told him that the best way for him to get a job was to show up there the next morning between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m. He got up and went over there, worked 8 hours and got paid. He can do it again today.

Jay isn't lazy. He has had a job here and there since he liquidated his cabinet shop. He has suffered a lot of rejections, which I didn't know until recently how that has affected him. He has been severely depressed after losing a couple of jobs that he had hoped would last. He has put up with a lot of my own frustration and disappointment.  He has been looking in a lot of the wrong places for work. Cabinet makers and woodworkers just aren't hiring right now. The industry is slow. I had told him a couple of weeks ago that he was going to have to spread out his nets a little bit more if he were going to catch fish.

I just want to thank all of our family and friends who have prayed for us, tried to encourage us, or otherwise helped us through this time. I hope that things will continue to get better. The job doesn't really pay much, but it's better than sitting at home drawing no income!

Babblings

I was thinking of how much I miss my son, Justin. He is in pilot training in the Air Force and I haven't seen him since June of last year. And I probably won't see him until December of this year...if I get to see him then. It was almost at this time last year that I learned that he was going to be going to pilot training and that he was going to be married. What made me realise just how much I miss him, and his wife, was that I was looking through the wedding pictures. Seeing their faces in the pictures, the love in their eyes, well...just got me thinking of them both.

But, of course, I miss all my kids almost all the time. Whenever they aren't with me, I miss them. This is natural for a mother. While I understand that they have to live their lives, just as I have had to live mine separated from my parents, and I have accepted this as a fact of life, it doesn't make me miss them less. I do look forward to the next time I see them, speak to them, receive e-mail from them. I am even happy just to read their posts on Facebook.

I also miss my friends, all of them, young and old, collectively and separately. Now, am I just weird, or is this a common human condition?

I was supposed to see my parents today. It worked out for the best that Dad called and said not to come down. I was kind of worn out from the trip we took yesterday to Holland, Michigan. Another trip today and I would have felt like I needed a day off tomorrow, which I don't have. Mom was not feeling well, had coughed all night and needed to catch up on her rest today. I understand. But I miss them, too.

When Mom had back surgery last year in August, I went to the store one day with my Dad to buy some groceries and things. My Dad, God bless him, was so worried about my Mom. And he has had to take on some of the chores that Mom alone used to do. But, walking in the store that day, I was observing my Dad. Just walking with him, and watching him walk, I realised all of a sudden that what my sister had been saying was true. Our parents were becoming "elderly".

See, I was watching Daddy walking, and I realised that he has the gait of a little old man. I had never seen him that way before. He had always been big and strong.... Tears came to my eyes, but I could not just break down crying right there in the aisle at Meijers, could I? So, I did what I always do; push down the tears, put on a smile, and cope.

I do that every day!

Family Reunions

I was just so excited to reconnect with two of my cousins this weekend. Judy and Theresa, along with their sister Karen, used to come visit often when we were all kids growing up. Aunt Rosie and Uncle Dave lived in Fort Wayne, and would come with the girls to visit for the weekend. We would double up bed space, which was always a commodity at our house. Sometimes we would go visit them in Fort Wayne. We were the "country" kids, and they were the "city" kids.
Now, we are all grown up. Judy and Theresa have grand children. Some of us have grand children too. (Rob and Larry.) It's good to see them, and to see their faces and learn about their lives. It's been a while.
But what is really fun is to think about back then. It is also fun to see pictures of us as we were back then. Life was different, if not better. We were young and full of life. We always had stories to tell each other. Uncle Dave was a great story/joke teller, and the girls learned some good ones from him. I even remember some of those jokes. We would always get into trouble at night, when the parents were playing cards and drinking beers, and we cousins would be giggling and talking instead of going to sleep.
It isn't quite the same as actually getting together and seeing each other again, reconnecting on Facebook that is. But, It is fun and I am thankful for the technology that may allow us for a follow up of a real family reunion.

Justin in the Air Force

A lot of my friends know that one of our sons, Justin, is in the Air Force. He started out in the Air National Guard. His goal was always to get his education, which Uncle Sam paid for while he was in the Guard, then to go full time Air Force and become a pilot. His dream is on the way to becoming reality. He has been full time Air Force since June of 2009, very shortly after he married his sweetheart, Amanda Wallis, in May.

I hate to brag, really. But I am so proud of him. He had his solo flight Friday, February 19 in a T-6. The program that he is in, as far as I am told by a letter from Lieutenant Colonel Andrew R Brabson, the Commander for the 41st Flying Training Squadron at Columbus Air Force Base in Mississippi, is a 52 week Specialized Undergraduate Pilot Training. He should graduate, as far as I am told, sometime in December. I hope to be there.

I so admire Justin because he decided what he wanted to do with his life, and he has set his focus on it and is going for it. I know there has been great stress for him through this process, and it isn't over yet. It is a high stress pursuit, for sure! And I am so glad that his beautiful wife is there to see him through this time. She is wonderful. (I hear she got up at 5:45 the morning of his solo flight to bake monster cookies. Doesn't she sound like a wonderful wife?) It is a load off my mind that she is there with him through this time.

Stay tuned for further updates. Love to Justin and Amanda. Also, hearty congratulations.

The Weekend Started Out Falafel

Falafel. Boy, I hope I spelled that right. The weekend started out falafel. I should say the weekend started out eating a falafel. Let me explain.

Friday night, after work, I wanted to do something special. So, I called up Jeff and Tricia to see if they had plans that they could fit us into. Jeff said they were going to First Friday in Goshen and were going to eat a lentil sandwich at a fund-raiser. You know my hearing is bad, but I thought he said "lentil sandwich". So I asked him to repeat it, and he said they were going to eat falafels at a fund-raiser. I knew I had heard him wrong the first time. Anyway, he graciously allowed Jay and I to join in the fun.

It was cold and windy and snowy when we headed to Goshen. We met Tricia and Jeff on the corner near their apartment and walked down to Main Street to find the Falafel venders. It was New World Theatre that we were supporting. Those two guys were standing under a portable awning, making and selling falafels right next to The Daily Brew. We ordered them up and went inside to eat them. First time I ever had one. They were good. I hope they do it again sometime soon since I don't know anywhere else in the area where you can get a falafel.

By the way, a falafel is a type of lentil sandwich. So the weekend started out Falafel, but it got better after that. : )