What do I want? Does it really matter?

   I started training at Meijer's store this week for the position of Cashier. I never thought that I would be doing this, especially at this juncture in my life. It is not what I would have chosen. If I have to have a second job, and for now, I do, this is probably as good as any. I could be doing any number of distasteful and menial jobs. Meijer's is a pretty good place. It's a friendly atmosphere, and so far the job seems do-able.

   All the while I am thinking, "What do I really want? Is it really necessary for me to have two jobs?" And "am I just being greedy?"

   I think all I really want is some security. If Jay goes on being unstable in his job prospects, at least I know that the bills can get paid out of what I am making. I wish that could be accomplished with just my first job. But it can't. That has been proven over the last 12 months. Beyond that, I would like to replenish my savings account and see us get out of the credit hole we have dug ourselves into. I won't be able to do that alone, even with two jobs.

  What do I really want? I want Jay to get a REAL job and to be able to hold on to it for at least a year. When I say a "REAL" job, I mean a job where he goes in every day, at least five days a week, and draws a dependable wage. Almost all of our married life he has worked for himself, and our income always depended on what work he could get for the cabinet shop. Of course, there was the Hot Air Balloon company that we had for five years that supplemented our income, maybe. I don't know if, at the end of the whole thing, we actually lost more money at that than we took in.  I don't want us to have to depend on "finding work" now. I want him to have steady, dependable income.

  There is the question of "does any of this really matter." I think the answer to that is, "It matters to me. Is that enough?" Sometimes I think that I really don't have anything to look forward to. I have dreams, but they all seem impossible now. I used to have faith that things would get better. But that has dwindled to almost non-existence. I wonder if Jay will ever be able to find steady work. I would have liked to build one more home that we could prepare to retire in. Now it doesn't even look like retirement is an option. I think I will be working for the rest of my life. That thought brings many dark thoughts.

  I know I am just in a dark time right now. As I said before, things really aren't so bad. I know plenty of people in much worse situations. At least I can work...and two jobs, when one is only part-time, are not such a hardship. I hope that I can rise above. Right now I am just holding on.