One thing that I really want to do this year is to start blogging. I want to do this for the simple reason that I love to write, even if no one reads what I write. I think blogging will be a great way for me to log what is and maybe what isn't happening in my world.
Today I was depressed. Sometimes I get into these dark holes and I don't quite know how to get myself out again. I feel disconnected and insignificant to everyone, even God. I believe that God is, let me firmly establish that. I just feel somehow forgotten by him. I think that, right now, this has to do with the uncertainty that I have about my recent discovery that I have a "thyroid condition". My anti-thirogubulin reading was 262. I was informed that the normal range is between 0-40. I am not sure what all of this means yet. I will find out more on Friday, January 8. I searched a bit on Google, and did not like some of the explanations that I found there.
I get this feeling that, right now, life is just happening all around me. I am not really living life, the way I'm meant to. Instead, I am just being swept along. Even the house that we are living in right now reflects this. We are renting a very nice house, I like it fine, and am very thankful for it. But it is not my house. I don't ever really feel at home here.
My husband, Jay, being out of work for so long is another thing that adds to the disquiet in my soul. We are struggling so, and sometimes I feel like he just doesn't understand. I leave for work on Monday mornings. Sometimes, if he is up, he stands in the living room and bids me good-bye. When I walk away and then look back at him as I go out of the door, he looks like one of the Lost Boys from Neverland. I wonder if he is ever going to seem employable to anyone.
So, anyway. Here I am. Blogging. It is a step for me. I hope that I am able to grow throughout this year. Maybe someone will even read this and be able to share in my experience or offer helpful suggestings.
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